On a lighter note, after yesterday’s diatribe, let’s enter the mind of Gordon Brown and find out his dream team for the cabinet. Not to be taken seriously.
CABINET:
Prime Minister, First Lord of the Treasury and Minister for the Civil Service
The Rt Hon Gordon Brown MP (I’m going to keep my own job, obviously.)
Leader of the House of Commons and Lord Privy Seal; Minister for Women and Equality (and deputising for the Prime Minister at PMQs)
Germaine Greer (Well, she did appear on Big Brother and she’s always stood up for women…)
First Secretary of State, Secretary of State for Business, Innovation and Skills and Lord President of the Council
Simon Cowell (He knows how to make a bit of money, that one!)
Chancellor of the Exchequer
Carol Vorderman (For obvious reasons.)
Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs
Ant and Dec (Everyone loves them!)
Secretary of State for Justice and Lord Chancellor
Nancy Dell’Olio (She’s a lawyer, I’m told.)
Secretary of State for the Home Department
Joanna Lumley (Absolutely fab woman.)
Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs
Hugh Fearnley–Whittingstall (The perfect package for this role, I think.)
Secretary of State for International Development
Lenny Henry (He does great work with Comic Relief.)
Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government
David Tennant (Now there’s a man who knows how to grow communities. He got such a fan base because of Dr Who!)
Secretary of State for Children, Schools and Families
J.K.Rowling (Perfect for the job!)
Secretary of State for Energy and Climate Change
Jonathon Porritt (I must be seen to be taking this one seriously. And especially more seriously than that bloody Cameron!)
Secretary of State for Health
Jo Brand (She used to be a mental health nurse and then she turned to comedy. They’ll be laughing and eating out of her hands when she makes announcements on every one of our ongoing incessant new initiatives.)
Secretary of State for Northern Ireland
Kenneth Branagh (Even more popular now he’s Kurt Wallander on the TV and he comes from there. Northern Ireland that is; not Sweden.)
Leader of the House of Lords and Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster
Sir Alan Sugar (I must give him something to do.)
Minister for the Cabinet Office, and for the Olympics and Paymaster General
Sir Steve Redgrave (A national hero and he knows a thing or two about the Olympics.)
Secretary of State for Scotland
Billy Connolly (Popular man.)
Secretary of State for Work and Pensions
Margaret Mountford (She’s just announced she’s leaving The Apprentice and I’m sure I can persuade her to put off her PhD work for just a wee while longer.)
Chief Secretary to the Treasury
Helen Mirren (Now there’s another popular lass and national treasure.)
Secretary of State for Wales
Ruth Jones (She’ll know what’s occurrin’ and she might turn around that Barry Island crowd for me after that bloody Cameron visited there.)
Secretary of State for Defence
Katie Price (A bit of a wild card, I know, but she’s got to be in here somewhere.)
Secretary of State for Transport
Jeremy Clarkson (There’s no one more appropriate for this job.)
Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport
Clare Balding (Perfect for the job: she does the horseracing and she’s been on HIGNFY.)
OTHER CABINET ATTENDEES:
Chief Whip (Parliamentary Secretary to the Treasury)
Gordon Ramsay (He’ll know how to galvanise my troops. All that SHOUTING!)
Minister of State, Foreign and Commonwealth Office
The Archbishop of York, Dr John Sentamu (Now, I don’t always agree with what he says, but he does talk sense and tends to pop up with pearls of wsidom in the media at the right time. Perfect!)
Minister of State (Housing), Department for Communities and Local Government
Frank Skinner (I saw him on Question Time and he’s still Labour. Yeay!)
Minister of State (Business), Department for Business, Innovation and Skills
Theo Paphitis (One of the BBC’s Dragons and a fantastic chap. I’d have loved to add another woman with Deborah Meaden, but she’s a bit scarey for me. And I’ve already got Germaine Greer on the team, which is enough for one man, surely?)
Minister of State (Science and Innovation), Department for Business, Innovation and Skills
Baroness Professor Susan Greenfield (For obvious reasons.)
Minister of State (Employment), Department for Work and Pensions
Ruth Badger (The best of the runners-up on The Apprentice.)
ATTEND CABINET WHEN THEIR MINISTERIAL RESPONSIBILITIES ARE ON THE AGENDA:
Attorney General
Fiona Shackleton (She stood up to Heather Mills! And won!)
Minister of State (Children), Department for Children, Schools and Families
Michael Rosen (Excellent man and great with kids.)
Minister of State (Regional Economic Development and Co-ordination) Department for Business, Innovation and Skills
Martin Clunes (People love him, don’t they? And he’s just done a series touring Britain’s islands, I believe. Perfect.)
As you can see, I am not afraid of women and I do not think of them as window dressing. Neither am I arrogant. So there! Now to carry on with the important job at hand for which I am the only person in country with the competence to do so. Actually, Germaine is scarier than Harriet so I may have to revisit that thought…
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