The Apprentice: Series 5, Episodes 8 & 9

Episode 8: Margate

Golly gosh, was this the most stressful task to date?  Practically everybody was suffering from facial spots and on You're Fired Lorraine could be seen puffing out a huge inhalation of smoke. 

This week the teams were re-branding the Kent seaside town of Margate.  They had the early morning call and were given just 30 minutes to get ready and pack an overnight bag.  Ben managed to find time to gel his hair, as you do.

On Empire, Howard did manage to assert himself this week, but he only really tried, and then failed, to become the Project Manager.  Debra's whopping great hammer of bullishness and bullying soon came crashing down on him again.  She promised him he could be the sub-team manager along the way.  And in which sub-team did he end up?  The one which had him sitting alongside Debra.

Previously, my money was on Howard for the one suggesting the gay theme and Brighton Mark II, but it was James who first mooted the idea.  Debra claimed that the gay community spends more and goes on more holidays.  I wonder what research highlighted that one?  But, the gay community was the target market with Debra and Howard remaining at base while James and Mona went off to Margate for research purposes and to provide some pictures for the campaign.  The final leaflets were not finished...

Over on Ignite, it was Yasmina taking the role of Project Manager and they soon came up with a family friendly theme: "See Margate through Children's Eyes".  Lorraine rightly pointed out that in the current economic climate families were less likely to travel abroad.  Their resulting poster campaign seemed to miss out on children on the beach, but they did win.  Empire's Mona was the one to hit the dust.  (And how is it that all the losing women always look so glam on You're Fired?  Can someone explain?  Does You're Fired have a better make-up budget?)

Quote of the week was again one from James - has he no end of such treats for us?  This week, to the men on the beach in the photoshoot after he'd delivered their ninety-nines: "Not too much suggestive licking please guys, we're not doing a porno."

Eyebrow-raiser of the week has to go to Nick for his performance during the casting for the photoshoot.  Over on Ignite, Margaret was clearly enjoying herself watching the six-pack exposures as requested from Yasmina and Kate during their casting.

Finally, the noteworthy: Howard was credited by Sir Alan as "...doing quite a lot on this".  At last, Howard emerged from the shadows.

Episode 9: The Baby Show at Earl's Court

Has Sir Alan got a secret soft spot for Howard?  Could he be the dark horse of the competition?  This week Sir Alan provided Howard with the metaphorical Great Escape motorbike by moving him to the other team, and thus freedom from the domineering and bullying Debra.  Sir A then went on to appoint the PMs himself, as he thought they needed experience; thus two real life parents were in the roles.

Both teams were tasked with selecting two products to sell at The Baby Show.  Empire, led by James and including Ben, Debra and Yasmina picked an expensive, high-risk rocking horse along with a birthing pool.  Ignite, led by Lorraine, with Kate and Howard alongside went for a travel fold-up pushchair and an "impulse buy" safety helmet for toddlers.

James, clearly an attentive father and husband, extended his verbal comic treat offerings to include the following:

• Verbal outpourings of extensive knowledge on matters gynaecological and obstetric, including correct technical terms.*  At one point the American supplier of the birthing pool exclaimed "Oh, you really are good."
• A live improvisation of a woman in childbirth within the pool.  Gasping and pawing included.

* This was even more funny when he later announced "...it's like the lid's opened so the baby can just jump out".

In contrast, Lorraine proved to be far more shy in front of the cameras during her birthing pool introduction.  The supplier wanted to prove that the pool provided the opportunity for the right angle of pelvic tilt to promote a wider opening.  She asked Lorraine to put one hand on her coccyx, which she did.  But invited to follow through with her other hand on her pubic bone, Lorraine, well... declined.  The girl has some dignity, don't you know.

When it came to the show, Ignite, and Lorraine in particular, could not initially handle the collapsing buggy.  And, horror of horrors, they discovered that another stand was selling the same product package.  And cheaper.  They looked doomed.  We were also treated to an eavesdropping of some backstabbing conspiratorial whispering between Kate and Howard on that one.  Well, it was obvious, surely?  If they lost it was because of the buggy and therefore all Lorraine's fault.  You naughty people.

Back with Empire, alas an empire could not be built on a rocking horse alone and a birthing pool was not gushing with sales like a leaking hosepipe.  They decided that the bespoke rocking horses' price tags were putting off customers, so they removed the price tags.  This provided more footfall, but as was pointed out many times later, everyone needs a pushchair and only 2.2% are seeking a birthing pool.  As for the target market on buying a rocking horse that was also an heirloom, to be passed the generations?  Well, we didn't get to know and in the end, not one was sold.  What worked for bridal gowns last year, failed this for rocking horses.

A high risk strategy can lead to high returns, but was we are well aware from the state of the economy, it can also lead to abject failure.  Thus, Empire, purveyors of beautiful bespoke rocking horses and the occasional birthing pool lost to Ignite's pragmatic and fun approach.  James, Ben, Debra and Yasmina were all back in the boardroom.  Yasmina was the early and only escapee, deservedly so.

I really thought that when Sir A said he'd make up his mind based on temperament, nature, whether truthful enough and whether business acumen was present, that it would Debra for the chop.  (It was the "truthful" that lit my fire the most.)  But no, it was Ben who took the taxi ride home.  He did seem to be in "cruise" mode this week, as was Philip when he retired from the programme.  Ben's only hunger came across in terms of a boardroom brawl and when Sir A actually managed to approach competency-based interviewing by asking Ben to evidence his assertions on his skills, Ben fall flat on his face.  Still mumbling about a Sandhurst scholarship...  However, on You're Fired, Ben was upbeat and smiling and appreciated the immaturity he had shown.  Good boy.

Eyebrow-raiser of the week: Nick on sitting through Lorraine's birthing pool experience.

Quote of the week: we have a tie.  Honestly, there were so many good ones this week.

• Just in case he lost the plot, Kate to gay Howard "We've got to think like pregnant mothers, Howard."
• James on his boardroom selection, "If I'm honest, Sir Alan, I'd have taken Debra in twice."
• A dour Margaret to Sir Alan, "I have a lot of sympathy with Ben, spending a whole day with Debra, frankly".

Next week it's shopping channel sales week, possibly the most embarrassingly humorous week during last year's series.  This year's might at least match, given the preview where Sir A says "What a plonker."

Comments

[cfr]

Next week, Debra: if we are to be rewarded for our viewing tenacity...

[Norm]

I think mentioning Sandhurst yet again was like a red flag to a bull as Sir Alan mentioned last year's candidate who could not cook a sausage on a tin.
Debra or James next to go?

[Donna]

As ever cfr, a great summary. My heart was beating fast as I thought that finally, FINALLY the poisonous Debra might be out. I groaned in horror when she wasn't. I think she's such a nasty piece of work. If she wins, I'll be gutted. Loved your choices of quotes. Another one of my favourites was Sir Alan's "Don't start banging on about bloody Sandhurst again. I was in the Jewish Lad's Brigade, Stamford Hill Division, but it didn't make me sell computers when I got older"

Can't wait for next week's shopping channel one - the screwing on of the mini-trampoline leg will forever remain in my memory.